Posted on January 14, 2026
Thinking about him more than usual today. It's not like it's out of the ordinary, but I can't be interested in real men who are alive. I don't want them. I have so many options as far as guys go and they're just not what I want. Some of them are really good at sex, some of them are really sweet and do things for me, but they're just useful. I don't actually like them or love them like I love him.
Also I feel like I'm cheating on him, even though he's dead and was dead before I even felt so attached to him. Sometimes I just rot in bed all day missing him. I feel this pull like the earth's gravity is trying to bring me down and crush me. I almost want it to happen if it would be a break from this pain. I just want to be with him so bad and the only way I can is when I'm inducing hallucinations with drugs or dreaming which is still just a hallucination.
I try not to let myself think I'm hearing him or feeling him or seeing him, for fear of becoming completely delusional and beyond help. I just know I won't be happy until I can see him. Even if some guy who looked like an exact replica and liked all the same things came into my life out of nowhere, I wouldn't be satisfied with it. I would still feel so empty. Maybe Sol had the right idea lol...I wouldn't mind going on double dates with her and Eric. Maybe have an orgy lol? But yeah. Idk. I can't stand feeling like this, but don't worry. I'm not going to do anything drastic.